Day EightyOne: The Fever

Tonight I had a fever. As usual, I didn’t realize it until my best friend was talking to me on the phone and at the end of the conversation, said that I should sleep early because I sounded as if I was falling sick.

So I had a fever twice this year, which is something new to me. I still remember the time when I got sick during work back in April I think. You were trying hard to convince me that I was sick, and it was real bad.

Then I came over to your house after work, and you gave me some flu pills and made a bed for me to rest. I didn’t want to, but in the end I fell asleep while hugging your favorite pillow. I denied it, but you, being the cute ass you are, showed me the pictures you took while I was asleep. I only remembered waking up with you sitting next to me, looking at me sleeping and drawing quietly. Haha, I miss that look of yours so much.

I finished like three bottles of cough syrup, yet my cough was nowhere near recovered. You were trying hard to get me to go to the doctor, but in the end you fell sick too. Then you came to the store wearing your Mickey Mouse sweater and I couldn’t stop laughing for ten minutes. You were so cute back then.

That time, I had you to ask me to take medicine and accompany me when I felt sick. But now, you’re not even here.

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Day Eighty: The Future Thinking

Today I slept soundly, maybe because I was too tired, and my body need to recharge. After all, I can’t sleep until it’s almost sunrise. So I spent my Saturday at home, because I didn’t have any plans.

There’s so many things I could say, just that when I try to put it in proper words, I just fumble a lot. Like, I still couldn’t bring myself to tell you about the job acceptance with ICA, because I don’t want to talk about stuff that I myself am not sure about.

As the day is drawing nearer, I just want you with me . Yet all I can think of is the future with you. If, there is a future. I know me and my best friend have been talking a lot about how we are going to be like in the future, few years down the road. And I hope we can make it through.

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Day SeventyNine: The Agreement

Today I had to report to some building at Tanjong Pagar. You know, for the job offer.

The beginning is starting for me Shuk. Somehow I can’t help but feel a ping of regret about not going back to school next year. I don’t know why. But when an opportunity comes like this, it just can’t be missed.

I can’t wait for you to start a new book. My book is starting, and it’s not going to wait for you. Instead, when you’re out, you’re going to to be a new chapter in my life. Because I know, your chapter would never end. You still will be with your group of friends. And I’m not going to be part of that anymore.

I went to meet my friend today, to break fast together. It’s fun. Talking about stuff that doesn’t really mean anything, but says a lot.

These few days all I’ve been doing is catching up with my old schools’ mates, talking about the past and the present. But all I have with you is a past, a blurry present, and only thinking about the future with nothing much to hold on to. Except the love we had and the promise we made. 🙂

Life just gets better I guess.

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Day SeventyEight: The Job

I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected for appointment on the Home Affairs Services – ICA Specialist Scheme. You will be appointed with effect from 15 Aug 2011 at the substantive grade of Sergeant.

This is the introduction to my new life, my future, my hopes and dreams. True, it’s not my dream job. Someone else I know is getting it, but this will be me from now on. But the letter came today, and it just helped me decide my future.

I met up with an old friend/enemy, after he added me on Facebook. We went out to catch a movie. So, in other honest words, we went out on a movie date. After that we just hang out to catch up on our secondary school lives, and our new lives since then. I don’t know why I’m so brutally honest, but facts are facts. Facts are, you did some things I wasn’t proud of, and you may not be proud of what I’ve done so far. So I guess this is it then.

A new chapter, a new book. But for now it’s still the same story, never ending. I’m not going to wait for you to start a new book with you. But when you’re out, you will be a new chapter in my new book.

Love you too much to let you go. 🙂

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Day SeventySeven: The Text

Today I woke up feeling a little empty, maybe because I still remember the chat conversation that I had last night.

So today it felt a little gloomy around the house. Then I had a text from an unknown number. What I read was a shock. I’ve been accepted into ICA, the job I’ve been applying for since June.

But I kept quiet about it, because I just didn’t feel like sharing. I knew the letter was going to come tomorrow, like it said in the text, so I kept quiet till the letter comes tomorrow.

That’s all I’ve been up to, because there’s nothing else on my mind.

Nothing, except thinking about you. P.S: I love you.

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Day SeventySix: The Chat

Today I went online, because my best friend was waiting for me there. She’s paranoid about some things, so I’m the one she turns to. I chatted with others too. I confided to my friend about my life right now, that I was on the verge on giving up. One of our friends got called up for a SCDF interview as a Fire Rescue Specialist. I told my friend that, that was like almost the last straw for me. Seeing her getting jobs so easily, it just made me feel more down.

But the worse feeling was when I found out she had went for an interview for my dream job at SCDF. Wow, that was definitely, not envy, but more like, how useless I’ve been as compared to her.

It just got me thinking, why can’t I be more like her, why can’t I be her? If there was someone I could be, it would definitely be her. For once, just once, I want something to go right for me. Something that I can be proud of, something that I can show you when you’re released, to prove that I’m doing fine with my life.

I’ve talked to them about me going back to school next year. But  I didn’t tell them that going back to school was for me to escape the working world for a few more years. That I’ve given up on pretending that I’m mature and old enough to face the world. Truth is, I’m not ready. I’m still scared, because I knew my future is very bleak. Just thinking about my failures to accomplish anything, makes me cry. But for one thing I know, my future dimmed after O Levels, when my Poly choices were all not accepted. I already I was a loser back then. When people praised me for being smart, by entering M.I and taking my A Levels and graduating with a complete cert, I never did believe them a single bit, because deep inside, I know I’m nothing. I’ve got nothing to prove my worth.

I don’t even know why I’m typing this, because for hell I’m sure I will never talk to you about things like this. Nor would I tell anyone else, because everyone else seems to have their own aims and goals, and they are already working towards that, while I’m stuck here, wondering whether I could handle the responsibilities of a job. Whether they would give me a chance to teach me how to do a job.

For now, I’m just going to be the coward I am and go back to school next year. To finally admit defeat to my mum that I’m as useless as she knows I am.

But I know you can make it, even when you’re in there. You have a brighter future than me. Certificates are just pieces of paper. You are going to be good and better than me, I just know it.

Love you shuk. Work hard.

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Day SeventyFive: The Fasting Month

Finally, August is here. Three months to go I guess. I’m not sure whether I should be happy or start panicking about it. Guess I’m just nervous about it, since I got used to not being a social butterfly anymore.

I’ve been hooked on some Malay songs currently, and they are both break up songs. There’s no meaning to it, but you know Malay songs. The best songs are all about break ups or unrequited love. And Malay break up songs are always better than their love songs.

Haiz. The Ramadhan season makes me think of you more. What are you eating for this month, what are you doing. You know, the basic questions that every other couple out there ask everyday. It’s just that, they have the luxury of finding out the answers, while I can only wonder what’s going on.

Oh well, why am I complaining. It’s not as if I have not gotten used to this.

Miss you bro. Take care. Stay strong, for I know Ramadhan is a very emotional month.




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Day SeventyFour: The Next Letter

Today I spent the day writing a letter to you. Thought you might receive it while fasting, since it’s Sunday, so I wrote it as if it was already the fasting month. Then I posted it that same day, to get to you as soon as possible. It was my last stamp by the way. I forgot to write that down in the letter. Haha.

I’ve been at home for quite a number of nights nowadays, even though I only sleep after three. Tomorrow is the fasting month already. So I started to wonder how would you do in there. It suck wondering, yet couldn’t get any answers from you. But I’m sure you’ll talk about it during Mama’s televisits with you.

I love writing letters to you. It cracks me up trying to write in formal Malay. Haha. You have no idea, how many drafts I wrote for every single letter I sent you. I think I’ve wasted more paper trying to write to you, than actually trying to write an essay for General Paper back in school. And did you know, I hated letter writing? Since secondary school days, you know, for O Levels?

Once you’re out, you are so getting it from me. 🙂

But no matter what, I will love you still.


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Day SeventyThree: The Irritating Day

Today Mama woke me up to go to Marina Bay to collect the funpack that I won. It was about ten in the morning when she woke me up.

One thing about Mama that pisses me off is that she always manage to irritate the hell out of you. So I went about the afternoon trying not to get pissed by her. If only you were here, I would probably be texting you that very minute to get rid of my frustrations.

But there were some things that perked me up during that time, but all those things I could not have afford in this current situation. Why is money so important? Maybe it’s even more important than love. For one thing, I’m sure of holding off marriage till I’m financially stable.

After that I’m just back to my own, isolated self, being in my room, planning a trip to Phuket or Krabi in about two years time.

And thinking about the fasting month coming soon, and what I should start doing when it arrives. Since we are not together, I guess we won’t have a problem with temptation issues right? Haha.

I miss you bro, but I’m doing fairly okay on my own right now. Just need more luck. 😦

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Day SeventyTwo: The Memories

Today I went to the Polyclinic again. Finally took out my bandage, but there’s still some raw wounds. Apparently my toe hurts the most now. I’m just hoping it’ll heal so that I can wear shoes. And start applying for jobs temporarily. I took some medicine before that, so I spent my afternoon sleeping.

I remembered us arguing when I was sick, but wouldn’t admit to it, and you were the one more concerned for me than I was. Now you are not here to feel concerned for me. Not that I want to, but it just sucks to not have you around when I want to, not even to say “Hey what are you up to?”

I still remember us. After I had cleared my thinking and feelings, now I still could remember those days we had. There were times that I refrain from reading our messages in my phone, but that’s because I’m trying my best to move on without letting go, which is why I did not delete your messages. To me, they were the last memories we had.

For now, all I can do is to remember you by is to listen to the songs that could remind me of you and view your pictures on your Facebook profile. Sometimes it feels like I’m stalking my own boyfriend, as if there’s going to be updates on your profile.

Anyway, you’re still the best I’ve ever had, and I’m not going to let anyone bring me down.

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