Day SeventySix: The Chat

Today I went online, because my best friend was waiting for me there. She’s paranoid about some things, so I’m the one she turns to. I chatted with others too. I confided to my friend about my life right now, that I was on the verge on giving up. One of our friends got called up for a SCDF interview as a Fire Rescue Specialist. I told my friend that, that was like almost the last straw for me. Seeing her getting jobs so easily, it just made me feel more down.

But the worse feeling was when I found out she had went for an interview for my dream job at SCDF. Wow, that was definitely, not envy, but more like, how useless I’ve been as compared to her.

It just got me thinking, why can’t I be more like her, why can’t I be her? If there was someone I could be, it would definitely be her. For once, just once, I want something to go right for me. Something that I can be proud of, something that I can show you when you’re released, to prove that I’m doing fine with my life.

I’ve talked to them about me going back to school next year. But  I didn’t tell them that going back to school was for me to escape the working world for a few more years. That I’ve given up on pretending that I’m mature and old enough to face the world. Truth is, I’m not ready. I’m still scared, because I knew my future is very bleak. Just thinking about my failures to accomplish anything, makes me cry. But for one thing I know, my future dimmed after O Levels, when my Poly choices were all not accepted. I already I was a loser back then. When people praised me for being smart, by entering M.I and taking my A Levels and graduating with a complete cert, I never did believe them a single bit, because deep inside, I know I’m nothing. I’ve got nothing to prove my worth.

I don’t even know why I’m typing this, because for hell I’m sure I will never talk to you about things like this. Nor would I tell anyone else, because everyone else seems to have their own aims and goals, and they are already working towards that, while I’m stuck here, wondering whether I could handle the responsibilities of a job. Whether they would give me a chance to teach me how to do a job.

For now, I’m just going to be the coward I am and go back to school next year. To finally admit defeat to my mum that I’m as useless as she knows I am.

But I know you can make it, even when you’re in there. You have a brighter future than me. Certificates are just pieces of paper. You are going to be good and better than me, I just know it.

Love you shuk. Work hard.

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